and i would that my tongue could utter the thoughts that arise in me. [entries|friends|calendar] this one laughing quietly underneath my breath > I think yr kind of cute, so put away your smokes this is the burning of a dream. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(swim in the direction of my voice) American Beauty [17 Mar 2010|12:44pm] "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure... But don't worry... you will someday."

(swim in the direction of my voice) i feel you, Dallas Green [22 Jun 2009|01:20am] Sometimes I wonder why, I'm so full of these endless rhymes About the way I feel inside I wish I could just get it right

(2 splashes | swim in the direction of my voice) baby I want you to want to forget the world outside [15 Jun 2009|11:34pm] [ music | Eye Alaska, Mark Rose ] chillin, bein low key and thinking... I had conversations today that make me anxious to experience something than this East Coast, NY/NJ/PA, busy cities, superior, capital of the world feeling.. huh. I definitely wanted to leave the state/area for grad school, but maybe I should look even farther. I always felt just slightly out of place, but ignored it and kind of took advantage of it because I was attached to this, my broadly defined "hometown." And somehow becoming a more settled person as I got older and discovered things about the world and people increased this feeling.. what if I’m missing something being here? and I wonder how much my personality has bent to fit this society, this world.

(swim in the direction of my voice) fashion sense [23 May 2009|04:41pm] [ mood | no more bargain shopping ] cleaning out my closet... why did i wear so much damn polyester in the 90's? and middle school for that matter. it makes me shiver to touch it :p

(swim in the direction of my voice) but it's just a sweet sweet fantasy baybeee [16 Mar 2009|04:19pm] guys who are into the same exact music as me - and i don't mean just within the same scene(s), i mean the EXACT same music to the point that it's creepy - always have horrible taste in women. i don't get it. maybe i should start having horrible taste in guys too. looking for ones that just have NOTHING in common with me and don't understand what it is to adore music. maybe i'll end up in some volatile relationship then. cause that's what all my guy friends seem to be into. i've noticed this all my life. and i dunno. i just don't get it.

(swim in the direction of my voice) gold. [25 Feb 2009|02:04am] [ mood | slumdog millionaire ] we all just keep spinning and spinning until we catch a strain of that melody that belongs to our own. harmony, they'd say. or the longest most lost round in your history. earlier today i wrote and thought about how i'd never seen a possible future that thrummed and pulsed like a heartbeat. more than a daydream. the kind that takes over, and leaves your face naked in public with emotion. because you know that if you just stretched far enough, let the tiny bones separate and reach for that dream and snatch it back from twilight it would come true. but as far as you know it's just a dream. and that's why it hurts. but it feels so good when you swim through that pinch of pain that you just lay back in it. spinning gold.

(swim in the direction of my voice) my friends and i, we're all fucked on the inside.. but we don't let it run our lives [21 Feb 2009|02:31am] [ mood | stayin sober ] trying to be more 'dignified' in general lately. [throwing internal tantrums and] internet window shopping instead. thinking of looking up to Audrey Hepburn more often, my new haircut (and my new decision to wear eye makeup) kinda remind me of her. hopefully it will make me remember not to think like a teenage kid, lol. what is dignity anyway? who is defining these things? whatever it is, i want to be it. acting like an adult. i guess that's what age 20 means, that you should start thinking about these things. it's hard though, when almost everyone i know over 25 right now acts like a little kid pretty often. why oh why can't i?

(swim in the direction of my voice) "my greatest gift to you / is a dance floor / free of insecurity." [12 Feb 2009|10:36pm] It's very comforting to be who you want to be. We did this exercise in my Modern Dance I class today - our instructor just turned on Moonlight Sonata, turned off the lights (there are wall-to-wall windows), and told us we could just react to the music and dance however we wanted. It's amazing how free you feel when you know for certain nobody is watching you, because they were expressly told not to (and wrapped in their own little dance world. I definitely love this prof essor, she's tough but genuinely wants us to excel and reach outside ourselves AND treat ourselves well and be good. I could meet ordinary people but these are the kind I do meet. And y'know, I guess I just feel very taken care of. Like when people feed me haha; today I ate only a sandwich ans some pineapple, until just now, when my friend brought me dinner leftovers (the club we're in, Bhakti Yoga, always has free vegetarian dinner afterwards) because I had to work and couldn't come to the meeting. So good! And I'm super stressed by handling and in turn, assisting in the lives and jobs and livelyhoods and good-days of so many people.. but I kind of like it. Because everything just always seems to balance out so nicely in a day or two. And sometimes I feel like I'm making up for being so lucky.

(swim in the direction of my voice) theres so much of you in me. youve got so much of me in you [13 Jan 2009|11:19am] i wonder if the strange stupid dreams are caused by going to bed at 5 in the morning, or the book that kept me awake, or by just the strangeness of life. or something more? something beyond me? hmm.

(swim in the direction of my voice) good. [11 Jan 2009|01:12am] i love that my dad meets my friends and goes "so you've found somebody as weird as you." haha. completely satisfactory response

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